#decolonizelutheranism and Gender Identity: a guest post by Iren Raye

*A guest post by Iren Raye, #decolonizeLutheranism*

 

Hi friends, I’d like to tell you about myself. My name is Iren Raye, and I go by “Raye.” But this wasn’t always my name – I completely changed it last year. I was named Holly Nicole Wilson at birth, and assigned the gender “girl.”  I identify now as transgender, genderqueer, non-binary, non-conforming, agender. There’s not just one word that describes it for me. I don’t fit the gender I was assigned at birth, that I was raised as. I don’t fit the gender binary at all. I never have. And believe me, I have tried.

This story is not just about me. I am telling this story about me in order to tell a story about the church. My church. The ELCA. Trinity Evangelical Lutheran Church in Santa Barbara, CA. Abiding Savior Lutheran Church in St. Paul, MN. Holy Trinity Lutheran Church in Livonia, MI. Lord of Life Student Congregation at California Lutheran University. El Camino Pines. St. Mark’s. Christ. Grace. Luther Glen. University. PLTS. Davis. Incarnation. LSTC. Wicker Park. Augustana. So many different names, one ELCA. This doesn’t even cover the number of congregations I’ve worshipped and communed with, worked for, visited, or eaten with.

I am part of the #decolonizelutheranism movement. And why? I am a cradle Norwegian Lutheran. I fit into the Lutheran culture, right? Why challenge it? Because I’m also Mexican. And British Isles. And west coast. And trans. And 90’s alternative. And I’m tired of needing to only embody the ¼ of my heritage that is Norwegian Lutheran in order to fit in. I’m tired of the hegemonic white church culture.

I want to come at this from the perspective of gender and sexuality, because that is the part of my experience with the ELCA that is sorely disconnected from the gospel. Gender roles, gender norms, genderpresentation, sexual expression, relational norms. It is very difficult for me to tease these things apart in my journey, my pain, my confusion, my faith life, my ministry career, my need to fit in, my need for success. I could (and plan to) write many many pages on all of these things and how I have experienced them in the ELCA. For today, I want to focus on one:

Gender presentation.

I have always had panic attacks getting ready for church. From when I was a kid, to a youth minister, to a camp director, to a seminary student. It has been shamed into me that I must look nice for church, which explicitly means that the way I dress day to day does not look nice. I have been told in more than one church that jeans are not appropriate attire. I have been told I should wear skirts more often. That the skirt I was wearing is inappropriate. When I decided I did not want to wear bras anymore because of beauty standard issues in our society, I knew I would not be able to go braless at church. Inappropriate. Another panic attack. I have been told in more than one ministry setting that I cannot have an eyebrow piercing because I am a role model to youth and other young peers. I have been told that what we wear to church is a uniform. And no, this pastor was not talking about albs and other worship garments. He was referring to the way we must dress to present ourselves appropriately to God and each other.

Panic attack. My heart is racing and my stomach is churning by typing and reliving these moments.

I have realized in the past few years that part of what I have always experienced in this clothing anxiety is gender dysphoria. I have been experiencing major distress in having to present myself a certain way. Having to “dress up” in our society is a very gendered experience. You can shop from the women’s section or the men’s section. I could dress up feminine or butch. Those were always my only two options. To look like a woman, or to look like a lesbian. Neither of which were labels that made me comfortable at all, because they do not fit who I am. Add to that the anxiety that I was being misogynistic by not wanting to look like a woman, or be perceived as a woman who loves other women. I receive my biggest support from women and from lesbian-identifying women in particular. However, the limited gender categories and limited gender presentations that fuel perceptions in society put me into a dizzying spiral on a daily basis.

More distress. More panic attacks.

But what does this have to do with the church? You may be thinking, “Raye, it sounds like your brain is just giving you anxiety, not the ELCA.” And that’s partly true – I have an anxiety disorder, but I believe it has been impressed into me through repeated encounters of shame. Shame that even though I am freed from dysphoric distress by wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I am not worthy to sit in a pew, read from the lectern, or lead singing in that outfit. Regardless of how clean, modest, attractive, and comfortable an outfit I put together, it could still be deemed unacceptable by laity and clergy at any given moment.

So instead, I put my energy toward fitting in. Toward dressing like a respectable white woman ministry leader, by the collective ELCA’s standards. These are not standards written down in any place, but rules enforced through shame. A hegemonic cultural standard, in which the ruling ethnic group determines cultural norms through unspoken means. In our country and church, this is white Western, upper-middle class, mid-20^th century Americana kinds of standards.

The big issue here is: when I dressed and acted according to these standards, I was successful as a professional ministry leader in the ELCA. I received jobs, was promoted, was invited onto planning committees, was introduced to synod and Churchwide leaders, received access to higher education. If I could look the part, speak the part, and live the part, I got the role. The problem is so much of it was an act. A forced act of survival. On one hand, financial survival. It was an act I needed to play in order to receive a salary, afford rent and food. On the other hand, it was spiritual survival. I did what I had to do in order to be allowed not only to worship in a pew, but to live out my calling to serve and lead the church. Every moment that I have the courage to drop the act and be myself, I risk both my livelihood and my belonging in my faith home.

This is why I am part of #decolonizelutheranism. Because, as much anxiety and distress and depression and suicidal thoughts it gives me, I have the white privilege to play the part and be a successful leader in the ELCA. But not everyone has my light skin, my neurotic need to fit in, my ability to “pass” as a respectable Lutheran. Others, by virtue of appearance, family heritage, language, sexuality, gender expression, vibrant personality, or cultural expressions of worship, do not “pass” as Lutherans and are always “othered.”

I refuse to be a part of the hegemony anymore. It is not worth my mental and emotional health. I should not have to hide who I am in order to be a member or leader in the ELCA. There are so many of us that have heard the gospel through the Lutheran lens: that the grace of God has overcome all barriers of sin and evil and has saved us from oppression. We are no longer slaves, but free. We no longer hate and restrict, but love and welcome. I love the ELCA, our joy-filled worship, our full reliance on the grace of God in Jesus Christ, our trust in the Holy Spirit to make us one through the sacraments of baptism and communion. These gifts are for all the people of God. This is what the #decolonizelutheranism movement is all about.

Bishop Eaton herself has raised up again and again the need for us to acknowledge the limitations of our church, especially in terms of race and racism.  When asked about the #decolonizelutheranism movement at the Sierra Pacific Synod Assembly this weekend, Bishop Eaton acknowledged that our movement is addressing importantissues of cultural exclusion (minutes 23:00-27:00 among others). I appreciate her words and her support on these issues.

However, Bishop Eaton couched us as a group of younger, newer pastors and seminarians. I suppose that in the ELCA, these words sort of apply, given the age demographics of many of our congregations. But on the other hand, I have had 32 years of experience in this church as an active member and ministry leader. While some of us may be “newer” pastors, we are not new to this church.

Bishop Eaton also characterized us as being impatient, which is true. But, Bishop, impatience is NOT a charism of the young. It is a charism of the oppressed, the pained, the bleeding, the dying. There are some of us that need change NOW. Not because we are young and idealistic. But because we and others are being cut off from ourselves in our faith home. Our churches – where we hear the good news that God loves us unconditionally, passionately, overwhelmingly, just the way we are – simultaneously are the places where we are silenced, reduced, and controlled by one group’s cultural standards. This affects us painfully. This is not a surface issue. This is a heart and soul and salvation issue. Can we fully be ourselves, our gender non-conforming, culturally non-conforming, sexually non-conforming, clapping and dancing in church, eating-disordered, neuro-diverse, wearing non-Western-elite clothing, messy, loving, broken, whole selves? We want the ELCA to celebrate that our full selves are saved by the grace of God – not to be changed through conformity but to be transformed through acceptance and belonging.

Decolonize the hegemony. #decolonizelutheranism.

Raye @irenraye 
queerly Lutheran theologian - PhD @LSTChicago - queering your visions and expectations with holy indecency - derby grrrl aka Death Raye